Intercultural relationships in Dominican Republic

It is heaven or hell & you can't really know which at first sight. I'm going to enjoy posting on this topic. For me, overall, I love it!

The possible retorts flood my mind like a tsunami. A veritable class #5 set of rapids. Relationships like anywhere are a rocky road fraught with pot holes.  Patience, sense of humor, no preconceptions will allow one to progress. In my opinion, the differences are what makes it so attractive. We can learn much about ourselves if we take the chance. Yes, horror stores inundate the web. Most people don't share the positive outcomes.  A happy person tells three, the unhappy people tell ten.   A sad commentary on humans.  Why do you think the Roman Colesiem (sp)  was filled to capacity.   At least with pros, both parties get something out of it or into it.  The topic ain't about sex only thank goodness.

This is my personal opinion based on my experience dating my Dominican woman. There was an album by the group TLC called Crazy Sexy Cool. Those three words describe the women here in a nutshell. The young woman I'm dating is honestly supermodel gorgeous, with in my opinion, a nearly perfect body due to exercising. I'm not gorgeous at all. I work out a little but definitely not a bodybuilder. But my girlfriend is somewhat insecure about her looks and has a jealous streak. If we're out somewhere and an attractive woman (in her mind) talks to me a little too long, or touches me, like Dominican women will do, my girlfriend will get angry. Or don't let a woman or a group of women walk past and I look too long. She will squeeze my hand tightly. I will compliment the women here with how well they respect their men. I told her once that if she's angry with me, I don't want to hear about it until we are in the privacy of the apartment. She has never raised her voice to me or said a disparaging word outside of our apartment. When we get home she erupts. Her head starts spinning around like in the Exorcist, and she spits out some amazing expletives. This explosion happens only once or twice a month. I simply say "I'm not arguing about this anymore." and she stops and the tears start flowing. Then I have to reassure her that she is gorgeous to me. Which usually ends with sex. But practically everything between us ends with sex. She dresses conservatively when she goes outside, compared to the typical Dominican woman. But in the house she likes wearing her underwear to do everything. She cooks and cleans the house in her underwear. I can honestly say I've never been happier with anyone. I think a a cultural thing that gets me in trouble with her the most. I like to help clean the house and cook. I had been divorced and single for many years until I started dating her. She literally moves me out of the way when I try to wash a dish. I try to make the bed, and she shoos me off. She told me to list every food that I like to eat and she would learn how to cook them. Her 4th attempt and later on banana pudding, my favorite dessert, is as good as my grandmother's. 
Culturally, I think most American men aren't used to a woman who wants to please them. I didn't know how to react when she brought me lemonade, without me having to ask. The women here expect a man to support them financially. They also expect the showering of affection on special days, especially Valentines day. But in return you are basically pampered by her the rest of the year. I've heard the horror stories of women spending the guy's money on frivolous things. I don't have that problem.

I can relate to Juliens post regarding cooking, cleaning and having the lady totally wanting to do everything for you. I eat everything she cooks but  not near in the amount she expects  - especially rice. I have cooked a couple of meals  and I do the dishes every so often, explaining we are a partnership and I share the work with her. It doesn't always work but she is happy. The biggest issue is concern about security. I am slowly convincing her that locks are good at night but that I refuse to lock myself in during the day. I have no wheels yet and currently walk everywhere in Moca that I need to go to and she, along with her family are beginning to understand that I know what I am doing and am always aware and cautious and that with my background, I am still able to protect myself and her if  required. The next obstacle is convincing the family that I get a motorcycle - I miss my Can-Am Spyder RT

You guys have it right Such relationships are possible & not that rare The women want to be secure with you & want you to feel the same. to possess & be possessed. To treat you as a King & to be treated like a Queen.  I have been lucky enough to have had over the years a couplesuch women in my life.  Too bad neither of them were my wives. Too dumb to recognize it at the time.  The ones who say that there is no hope for a real loving relationship probably aren't nice enough to have one. Thanks for the boost fellas, thanks.

All I will say about dating my Dominicanas is Sugar and Spice, plus a few dashes of Baldón Hot Sauce . All jokes aside, they simply know how to make a man feel like a king! I wish more women would realize how simple it is to please a man, but I'm afraid the feminist agenda has robbed many women of experiencing the joys of having a man fully give himself to you, heart and soul which in the end leads to the very thing you truly seek from your partner. 

      Amazing how a movement which was based on equal pay for equal work morphed into something completely astray from the original agenda. Do not lose hope gentlemen, I have been noticing a shift in awareness. taking place in the West, which is slowly awakening many women to the notion that feminism in it's most extreme form, has left them home alone watching netflix and blogging on their computers, next to their Poodle named FiFi.

      Best part of intercultural dating? The blending of Cultures, what more can I say that has not been already said by the distinguised gentlemen who have shared their stories. I would love to hear from some of the ladies on the forum who are married to non American men, just to get a different view as to what led you to choose your mate.  Most of all what I do love about foreign women.....They are not trying to change me! They accept me just the way I am.....Ladies stop trying to micromanage your man, he is not your personal project. Just my 2cents

I am not going to comment on this thread. This topic is just looking for trouble.

Here's a female perspective for you....I would have to say Dominican men definitely know how to treat their women.  I am still living in Canada, but have been lucky enough to be able to travel to spend time with my boyfriend every couple of months this past year. When we are out my boyfriend never lets me out of his sight, unless he's asked someone to stay with me, always makes sure I feel comfortable, am eating enough, the list goes on. I would also say, like the women, Dominican men accept their women for who and what they are. This is probably my first relationship where my partner hasn't tried to change something about me. Constant compliments. His family, unbelievably amazing and welcoming. For me, blending the two cultures has been great.

Wow RiDR Thanks for sharing, good to hear a woman's perspective as well. Wishing you and your partner all the very best.....Keep us posted as things progress along.

RIDR, yes, and ive been one of the biggest supporters of those who go with the sankie-pankies.  Sure its expense, but as long as the woman can afford it, no problem.

RIDR this sounds very new. I will urge you to read about relationships with Dominican men and keep your guard up.

This is how it is in the beginning. Often what you see as protective is controlling.

Make sure you learn Spanish. Don't rely on him for everything. Make your own friends.  Do not assume those around you including his family will be on your side. 

Ask lots of questions with other people. Confirm what you are being told.

I have heard what you posted hundreds of times. At this point you are naive to the culture here and may be in for a rude awakening. Just protect yourself and keep your eyes, ears and mind open.

Already you have several red flags.

Thanks Planner, I appreciate your concern. If 10 months is considered new then yes I guess it is. I do have several friends of my own there, who I knew before I met him and they were actually quite impressed with the way he treats me. I'm a pretty strong, independent woman so the likelihood of him being able to control me is pretty slim. I have been working on learning the language as I realize how important that is. I've seen a lot more red flags dating men here than I have dating this particular man.

What does he do for a living, does he live alone, what kind of home does he have, does he pay for the dates, does he have an education, what do his friends do for a living???? How much older than you is he? Where do you go so that his friends have to keep watch over you? Does he pick you up at the airport with his own transportation? There are more questions, but these will do for a start. Answer truthfully to yourself. You don't have to tell us, just be honest to yourself. Good luck, who knows, you may be one of the 2% who end up with a good relationship.  The numbers are the same for men with Dominican girls.

Tinker, great questions....he is a vendor who travels around to a different resort every day (this is not how we met). He does not live alone, but shares an apartment with his cousin and her husband. It's a nice apartment, I would say fairly new. Most of his friends work for the same company as he does, his mother owns a shop in Bavaro and his stepfather is an English teacher. I am actually older than him by 4 years. If we are out at a bar at night he keeps an eye on me to make sure I am safe, but that isn't any different than what it was like going out with my friends there before I was with him. He does pick me up at the airport, sometimes in a rental car, and a couple of times his boss has lent him her vehicle to pick me up. He doesn't own his own car. We have rented a car a few times when I've been there (we split the cost), but we have also done without a vehicle and relied on the bus and moto taxis (not my favourite). The first couple of times I went there he paid for everything, now I would say it's about 50/50.  He has never asked me for money and I have never given him any. I totally understand the skepticism, but I also believe there are good and bad everywhere. My ex-husband who I found right here in Canada was a control freak who lived off me for our entire marriage after being nothing but a gentleman for the 3 years we dated prior to getting married. So I'm not quite so naive to the charmers and I have watched my boyfriend at work and often tease him about how charming he is with the clients.

Yes this and you are still new. Looks like you have a great attitude.  Keep your options open, enjoy but keep your brain in gear if you know what I mean.

We are here if you have questions and privately if you don't want to post publicly!

Thank you for the clarification. I wish you well.  You were hoodwinked for three years by your husband ............

Planner & Tinker..... oh yes I have been duped before haha!  My eyes are wide open. Is it possible I am being hoodwinked again?  Of course it is, that possibility is always there, but so far my guy, his family and friends seem completely sincere. They all seem to be very hardworking people, all live in nice apartments and I have never been given the impression that they see themselves as poor. His family has actually traveled before (his stepfather and sister are currently in the US visiting family). Time will tell. Our plan is that some day I will move there, but not until my daughter is finished high school and college so not for another 6 years or so. That should give me plenty of time to figure out if he is the real deal.

Sounds like a good plan.  Keep us posted.

So relationships....  intercultural relationships specifically

I would definitely not try to change your view of your boyfriend,  but I will share my personal history to give you a little perspective on Dominican men.  My father was a charming man, always polite and very respectful to my mother. I never heard him raise his voice to her. He would always rub get shoulders,  touch her hair, or simply kids her neck,  whenever he was near her. They was married  for nearly 50 years until his death.  I would say he cheated 49 of those years of their marriage. I'm sure my mother knew of some if not all. From as far back as I can remember my father taught us boys to make certain our women, respected our wives.  I'm the youngest of the 7 children my father had with my mother. Six boys and one girl.  As far as I know I'm one of his 18 children. He could have had more.  I vividly remember him taking my brothers and me places,  letting us play at the park, and he spending time with one of his women.  All of my brothers and I have been, and are divorced, for cheating.  I can admit that my divorce was completely my fault. I provided a good home to my wife and children.  I earn a very good income. My ex-wife will readily admit that I was a charming,  affectionate,  and loving husband.  But I thought cheating was the norm,  because every man I knew did it.  When you are in the D.R. notice how many single mothers there are.  Ask any Dominican women,  and they will tell you the truth. Are there good men here who won't cheat, I will say definitely yes. But I would also warn you,  there are many women here who will entice us men. Your man has a decent job,  is handsome,  and is charming. I guarantee you he gets approached by women constantly when you aren't around, and if you don't understand Spanish,  they may approach him when you are present.  And take it from me,  it's very difficult to resist.  I have one girlfriend, that I'm faithful to, but I know my own history and have spoken with her about it. I don't go anywhere without her, because even at 50 years old I still get approached by women here. My girlfriend, who I may add, left her husband when she found out he had many other children with other women. This is my take on men in the Dominican Republic. We are like little boys in a candy store,  where we can practically have any or every piece of candy that we want. We have our favorite piece in our hand.  We keep the others in the bag until we want something different. 
You seem like an intelligent and observant woman.  That's my suggestion. Continue observing.  His family will always take his side and say he is a good man. My brothers and I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes. Even when I admitted cheating,  she found a way to blame my wife.

Great post.  As far as I can see it is cultural. It is not right or.fair or correct but it is rampant.

It is also inexcusable. But that is my opinion. Each has to decide for themselves.

RIDR, Possible?   Rather..... it's almost certain.

JulianTorres, There is one point that is NOT normal about your post. You said your dad had 7 kids with your mom but usually they have seven kids ........with 3 or 4 moms!

First of all I have to tell you that I am crazy about languages, and I love playing with words. The Spanish language as spoken in for example Madrid is very different from the language as it is spoken here in the Dominican Republic. When I came here I could say yes, no and thank you in Spanish, and that was about all of it. So I learned the Dominican Spanish, I had to...

The ongoing learning process is fun, for me. My Dominican wife does not share my love of languages, or my talent for learning them, but that does not stop her from trying to teach me words that cannot really be translated, like Tuigere. What is a Tuigere, a tigre, but there are no tigres here... OK a macho small boy, who thinks he is bigger than me!

Vaina is another fun word in Dominican slag, but what does it mean? It means whatever you are talking about. Thing, causes, deseases, stuff, sex drugs and rock and roll... vaina. Clear now? Or is it Baina?

My nickname, GoneNative even has a one word term in Dominican, acotegar. It kind of means adjusted. Nice, isn't it?

We all know the word guagua, or gwagwa. OK, I even understand what it is and know them from my stay in Africa. But where does the word come from??

Two great posts. They have nothing in common except truth.  Thanks to both of you.  I accept the validity of both.  Man's biological DNA driven need to procreate is well known.  How we handle that desire is of concern.  As "Willy" said in that cogent play: To be or not to be, that is the question".   We all choose which path to tread.

Amazing post Julian. I was told a long time ago from my grandad who was the typical Latino macho male, who was also charming in every sense of the word, sort of a Porfirio Rubirosa type. “A man is only as faithful as his options” In other words, if you pretty much have your choice of willing and able female admirers offering themselves to you, then you pretty much are going to find it difficult to resist the temptation.  It is like having a bag of M&M's you can't just eat one.  I think the issue of just “One” applies to all men, love is one thing, and sex is another, we simply have an easier time separating the two.

Another intelligent realist. Reality has many faces. It never changes the truth; it just appears to change when viewed from different angles.

I know I'm one of at least 18 of his children. He had many different women.

Julian, that is the norm.

RIDR. Just a little advice from a woman with an ex that was a sankie.  Be very alert .. My ex treated me the same way . Protecting me when I was outside with him , and having his friends also protecting me . always making sure I had enough food ..etc . His family treated me wonderfully .almost too good .
Then once I got to know the culture , the language and the slang they speak ..then I started to see the red flags .It wasn't the intent for him to protect me . He was afraid that another Dominican man would find me attractive and try to get to know me. They look at you as a ticket outside of their country
And to his friends you are a free ride to enjoyment . When we would go out it was never just him and me .always he would have a number of his friends come with us . And no one would pay for nothing only me ..including drinks and food . I thought this was just their way of been friendly and caring for me , but in the end I realized it was a free night out to the friends ..I seen the red flags but refuse to take them serious and put them off as been friendly and caring but at the end I was used by him and his friends .. Just be careful and have a clear mind .best of luck

Ridr   READ that AGain  & again.  Read it every day, day after day. Twenty years ago I was with the female counterpart to  the sanky. I married her despite the misgivings and was divorced very quickly.  Reality has a way of fucking up fantasy.   Pursue a dream that can become a nightmare.  The only salve for a broken heart is time, yet it will ALWAYS leave scars.

Connie, I'm glad that a woman spoke up on this subject. That's one reason I would tell anyone to learn Dominican Spanish. Not just Spanish. How you are approached and treated by people here changes drastically when you have that simple skill. I was fortunate enough to have spent my formative years in New York City, in a predominately Dominican neighborhood. I learned from a young age a little about my culture. Living here has not been a major culture shock to me. Even though some things still shock me. You can find a fulfilling relationship here in the Dominican Republic, but I would say it is far more difficult for a foreign woman to date here, than a foreign man.

I appreciate everyone's feedback, honestly I really do. In my experience sankies can be found in every culture and in every country. As I said in an earlier post, my Canadian ex-husband lived off me for 4 years, all the while putting me down and making me feel like crap before I finally got the courage to kick his butt to the curb. This was a man that I'd had a friendship with for 20 years prior to our dating and the entire time we dated he was a perfect gentleman and paid his own way. However, as soon as the rings were on our fingers everything changed and he never spent another dime on living expenses, going out or anything else that didn't benefit only him. I will never let another man put me through that nightmare. I could choose to be a pessimist and believe that there is no good relationship to be found or I can pick myself up and try again. I prefer the latter. My point is that my current boyfriend could be just like my ex-husband and if that turns out to be the case he won't be my boyfriend any longer. But, he could also be a completely genuine person which is what I'm seeing right now and have for the last 10 months. Time will tell. But I'm not going to judge him when he hasn't shown me that he's just another sankie. There are good, bad, honest and dishonest people in every country. But I also believe that people deserve the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise. Just my opinion.

Ridr, the relationship is an ideal one now, why get married & take the chance that he turns into a scoundrel?  Unless you both want kids, stay happily single with him. Society won't brand you as a hussy. That term only exists in Muslim countries any more. Go for it,life ain't no dress rehearsal, no round trip ticket, one way adventure, grab that golden ring!   Shucks girl, you got a invite to the whole Shiveree! ( Mountain man talk)

Tinker I have no intention of marrying him or anyone else ever again lol!

Very smart.  We are on the same bus,good foryou.

GConnie, that's the norm.

I let my girlfriend know from the beginning that I'm never getting married again. I told a prior girlfriend that and she left quickly. One cultural difficulty I'm facing is that my girlfriend expects my son to do nothing while my daughter cleans up. I have to remind her that they both will be returning to the United States when they get older. The culture in the United States is vastly different. He needs to learn to cook, clean, and take care of a house as much as she does.

Yes it's a machismo society. Good for you teaching your son this!