'Can I add you to Zalo because my kid wants to practice English?'

I hear your pain, mate, and can appreciate that you are torn between doing something to help others less fortunate than you(we) are and also attend to your own social, physical and psychological needs. None of us are capable of burning the candle on both ends and expect long-term benefits for the kids you are talking about and/or yourself. There is only so much that any one person can do...and saving the world (or in our case, helping everyone that seeks it) is not in the cards.

The reason I say at the outset that "I feel your pain" is because I am sensing that you have been struggling with this issue and feel guilty when you dismiss their requests...maybe sometimes in an abrupt, or even impolite way through no fault of your own. We all know that it is inexcusable to be rude or impolite but there are times when that internal fuse fails...especially if the rigors of the day are catching up to us.

Honestly, I am only acknowledging your issue...but I look forward to other post that might help us understand how to prudently deal with the demand. We know that we cannot be all things to all people but maybe someone out there has reached a happy medium that allows them to give back while nurturing their own soul. Remember the aviation rule of thumb when the oxygen mask falls...always apply to yourself first so that you are able to help others after.  Good luck mate...

So, it happened quite a few times so far.
I was sitting on a bench in a touristy area in Cần Thơ enjoying a cold beer after a long week of work, then a mother and her young daughter would approach me and the mother would ask me to talk to her daughter. Since I wanted to practice my Vietnamese, the daughter was talking to me in English and I was answering in Vietnamese. The mother told me "English only". Alright, I did switch to English. The daughter would talk to me for a while but after 15 minutes I've had enough and I left.

It happened a few more times in the past few months, around town.

This week, I was at a "quán sinh tố" ordering my drinks in Vietnamese and a mother (with her son around) would jump on the occasion (she didn't speak English) and ask me for my Zalo. I asked her why she needed my Zalo. She said for her son to "practice English". Well, I've had enough. I told her I was working a lot and when I'm free I want to have fun, not to speak (or indirectly teach) English for free. She said thank you nonetheless, at least.

I guess this is a bit of a rant and I've had the discussion with a few people (my Vietnamese teacher thinks it's bad behaviour from their part, lack of culture) but does this happen to any of you and how do you deal with this? I don't want to be mean to the people asking me this (especially that these kids don't deserve my frustrated attitude) but at the same time why the heck would I spend my free time speaking English with whatever stranger to help them improve their English? Do they think my time is worthless and I've got nothing else to do? Even my Vietnamese teacher, who's very considerate, asked me if I could talk with one of her English student once a week for an hour and that her parents "would pay me". Well, she suggested 200k. This is only a fraction of my hourly salary (software development, nothing related to teaching), so again, how/why would they think any foreigner would provider their time for this amount? They know Westerners make much more than that, they're aware of it.

Thanks in advance for your wise insight
-@WillyBaldy

In my experience:

These are almost always single (divorced) women, and their goal is often the acquisition of a Western stepfather for their child.

I usually hate to indulge in stereotypes of Vietnamese women, but in these cases where it's the mother being forward and approaching the westerner in the manner you've described, I've lost count of the of times it's happened to me, with a relationship being their objective. 

If that is indeed true, would you have wanted to get together with any of these women?

What are your thoughts about dating women who have children?

Assuming that in most cases you aren't interested, it sounds like you just need a canned alibi speech.

Something about already helping a half dozen people privately and simply being overwhelmed giving assistance, without any additional time to spare.

Or you could tell them about your crazy jealous Vietnamese girlfriend who would kill you if she even saw you talking with her.

I have empathy for you and the feelings these encounters engender.

Hopefully coming up with a standard plan will lessen your feeling of being cornered and give you a more dignified way out than losing it in a rant.

Good luck with that.

@WillyBaldy***

Teaching Pro Bono Publico, Pro Gratis, or Privately (one on one) (link to a prior thread)

In that thread, my response to my neighbour is what I tell all who have approached me to teach, i.e.

"...without (their) procuring the relevant paperwork that I would be technically teaching ... illegally."

Explained as such, none have pressed the issue and asked me to engage in an illegal activity.

In my experience: These are almost always single (divorced) women, and their goal is often the acquisition of a Western stepfather for their child.

Well, that's a possibility, but I really think that in most cases it was really to have a chance to have their kids practice English after investing a lot of $$$ in classes. In my first example, the kid was speaking great English already. In a place like Cần Thơ, where learning English from native speakers is quite expensive and English speaking foreigners are rare, I really think some families have mastering English as a priority for their kids. On one occasion, both parents came to me with their kid!

I also had quite a few guys (Phuong Trang bus employees, random guys in buses or elsewhere) ask me for my Zalo to practice their English. The recurring pattern is it's always in places where there's no foreigners, like Kiên Giang (Rạch Giá), An Giang or Cần Thơ.

As for dating divorced women with kids, the idea seems daunting to me

Teaching Pro Bono Publico, Pro Gratis, or Privately (one on one) (link to a prior thread)
In that thread, my response to my neighbour is what I tell all who have approached me to teach, i.e.
"...without (their) procuring the relevant paperwork that I would be technically teaching ... illegally."

Explained as such, none have pressed the issue and asked me to engage in an illegal activity.
-@Aidan in HCMC

Yeah for teaching I totally agree but in what  I'm describing they just want to "talk" to practice what they've learned, maybe at ILA or elsewhere, so it's not really about teaching.

I hear your pain, mate, and can appreciate that you are torn between doing something to help others less fortunate than you(we) are and also attend to your own social, physical and psychological needs.

I think you described a version of myself from a parallel universe where I'm a good guy wanting to help people. In this universe, I'm quite selfish and I don't really care about helping strangers unless they're really in big trouble. Also, you have to understand that those that come to me with a kid that already speaks good English are *not* the most unfortunate, they're usually the most fortunate and either rich or upper middle class. You don't send your kids to an English school here (or private lessons) with an average salary. The thing is, I definitely don't want to be rude to people so that's my main concern.

Seems very unusual for a Vietnamese woman to approach a strange man on the street, but times are changing.  Just say something slightly amusing like "Sorry, my wife is gets very jealous when I speak with other women."  And smile.

If you feel a need, it is much more productive to organize a free class.

I feel I am in a foreign country and always willing to talk to anyone free of charge. I feel it's the little things you do in life without expecting anything in return that tells the story of what you are!

Seems very unusual for a Vietnamese woman to approach a strange man on the street, but times are changing. Just say something slightly amusing like "Sorry, my wife is gets very jealous when I speak with other women." And smile.
If you feel a need, it is much more productive to organize a free class.
-@williamherron13

But as i said, it's not about teaching. They approach me with their *kid*, and then the kid starts talking in English. It's right there, instant free practice!

But as i said, it's not about teaching. They approach me with their *kid*, and then the kid starts talking in English. It's right there, instant free practice!
-@WillyBaldy

Ahhh, okay. Apologies for my misunderstanding. You're talking about one-offs.

I will usually give them the 10 or 15 minutes chat. Costs me nothing and allows me to be a gentlemanly westerner/expat emissary. I've had a couple of occasions where the child has said something quite enlightening (at least for me, anyway) and/or comical. That in itself was enough reward for my time.

In my experience, it's usually a case of a very proud mother wanting to show off the child's English skills, in combination with a very, very embarrassed child who's ready to melt into the floor tiles due to mom's boldness.

But adding me to Zalo? No, sorry. I've explained that it wouldn't be fair to either she nor the child for me to make a commitment which I would not be able to keep. In my case, being a retiree, it just sounds too much like a job.

But as i said, it's not about teaching. They approach me with their *kid*, and then the kid starts talking in English. It's right there, instant free practice!
-@WillyBaldy

Ahhh, okay. Apologies for my misunderstanding. You're talking about one-offs.

I will usually give them the 10 or 15 minutes chat. Costs me nothing and allows me to be a gentlemanly westerner/expat emissary. I've had a couple of occasions where the child has said something quite enlightening (at least for me, anyway) and/or comical. That in itself was enough reward for my time.

In my experience, it's usually a case of a very proud mother wanting to show off the child's English skills, in combination with a very, very embarrassed child who's ready to melt into the floor tiles due to mom's boldness.


But adding me to Zalo? No, sorry. I've explained that it wouldn't be fair to either she nor the child for me to make a commitment which I would not be able to keep. In my case, being a retiree, it just sounds too much like a job.
-@Aidan in HCMC

No need to apologize, the context is very subtle and hard to exactly describe.

I think I would love to give 15 minutes also when it happens *but* how do you stop it? When I'm sitting somewhere minding my own business and I got someone like this come up, I usually actually need to leave to end it. I'm usually direct with people but I don't want the kid to feel rejected in the process. I wish the parents would have the decency to stop the session after a little while, knowing it can be demanding for some of us. My attention span is very, very limited (I must have some form of ADHD) and after 15 minutes of interaction my mind goes to other places and I'm starting to get irritated. That's the problem, once you give an opening, it seems they'll take all they can with no limit.

I hope I wasn't misunderstood earlier.

I'm not trying to trash women in this situation.

Actually, I admire them for being willing to step forward for the sake of their children. 

I suppose every now and then there's one who is using the child, but in most cases I believe these are women who are sincerely wanting the very best for their child.

they are usually motivated by stories they've heard of women doing virtually the same thing and ending up with a foreigner husband who will speak English to their child all the time at home and maybe even help with his homework and also give them a better life than what they have.

t doesn't have to be all that.

It can be a mix of motivations. but trust me, there are many women who ultimately are trying to give their child the big step up the ladder that a foreigner who speaks English could provide.

I hope I wasn't misunderstood earlier.
I'm not trying to trash women in this situation.

Actually, I admire them for being willing to step forward for the sake of their children.

I suppose every now and then there's one who is using the child, but in most cases I believe these are women who are sincerely wanting the very best for their child.

they are usually motivated by stories they've heard of women doing virtually the same thing and ending up with a foreigner husband who will speak English to their child all the time at home and maybe even help with his homework and also give them a better life than what they have.

t doesn't have to be all that.

It can be a mix of motivations. but trust me, there are many women who ultimately are trying to give their child the big step up the ladder that a foreigner who speaks English could provide.
-@OceanBeach92107

Oh my, I personally agree with you 100%. I don't judge people trying to make a "bad" situation better any way they can. Vietnam is a terrible country to be a single mom in, as with most developing countries. There's no real support from government, you're pretty much on your own. Also, a lot of Vietnamese men wouldn't glance twice at a single mom with a kid, it's not as accepted as in the West.

What you describe definitely exists. I see nothing wrong with that. All that being said , I've seen a few moms around here I sure hoped/wish they were single I mean, I'm still often surprised at how young Vietnamese people have kids.

In my experience:

These are almost always single (divorced) women, and their goal is often the acquisition of a Western stepfather for their child.


-@OceanBeach92107

A friend of mine had almost the inverse experience.  At one of the seasonal public school performances (Tet, Christmas, or similar) he found himself seated next to the mother of two of his students, to whom he was married about a year later.  He would at least pretend to disagree, but I am sure the girls set him up.  The mother had an education and a good job as an accountant at a CO-OP supermarket, but quit because she hated accounting and was probably doing it out of necessity as a single mom. The girls were already fairly good English speakers but certainly got better once English became the language spoken at home.   The are all in AU and the girls are probably going to a University there by now.

Feel free to enter your complaint on my being off topic, my friend.

In my experience:

These are almost always single (divorced) women, and their goal is often the acquisition of a Western stepfather for their child.


-@OceanBeach92107
A friend of mine had almost the inverse experience. At one of the seasonal public school performances (Tet, Christmas, or similar) he found himself seated next to the mother of two of his students, to whom he was married about a year later. He would at least pretend to disagree, but I am sure the girls set him up. The mother had an education and a good job as an accountant at a CO-OP supermarket, but quit because she hated accounting and was probably doing it out of necessity as a single mom. The girls were already fairly good English speakers but certainly got better once English became the language spoken at home.  The are all in AU and the girls are probably going to a University there by now.

Feel free to enter your complaint on my being off topic, my friend.
-@THIGV

I don't think so.

Maybe it IS the children pulling the strings there; directing their moms to approach WillyBaldy.

Then again, perhaps you should have created a new thread in the Australia forum, old pal?

😉

In my experience:

These are almost always single (divorced) women, and their goal is often the acquisition of a Western stepfather for their child.


-@OceanBeach92107
A friend of mine had almost the inverse experience. At one of the seasonal public school performances (Tet, Christmas, or similar) he found himself seated next to the mother of two of his students, to whom he was married about a year later. He would at least pretend to disagree, but I am sure the girls set him up. The mother had an education and a good job as an accountant at a CO-OP supermarket, but quit because she hated accounting and was probably doing it out of necessity as a single mom. The girls were already fairly good English speakers but certainly got better once English became the language spoken at home. The are all in AU and the girls are probably going to a University there by now.

Feel free to enter your complaint on my being off topic, my friend.
-@THIGV

I don't think so.

Maybe it IS the children pulling the strings there; directing their moms to approach WillyBaldy.

Then again, perhaps you should have created a new thread in the Australia forum, old pal?

😉
-@OceanBeach92107

OH MY GOODNESS, ..arrows from the quiver of cupid.

MAc

In my experience:

These are almost always single (divorced) women, and their goal is often the acquisition of a Western stepfather for their child.


-@OceanBeach92107
A friend of mine had almost the inverse experience. At one of the seasonal public school performances (Tet, Christmas, or similar) he found himself seated next to the mother of two of his students, to whom he was married about a year later. He would at least pretend to disagree, but I am sure the girls set him up. The mother had an education and a good job as an accountant at a CO-OP supermarket, but quit because she hated accounting and was probably doing it out of necessity as a single mom. The girls were already fairly good English speakers but certainly got better once English became the language spoken at home. The are all in AU and the girls are probably going to a University there by now.

Feel free to enter your complaint on my being off topic, my friend.
-@THIGV

I don't think so.

Maybe it IS the children pulling the strings there; directing their moms to approach WillyBaldy.

Then again, perhaps you should have created a new thread in the Australia forum, old pal?

😉
-@OceanBeach92107

You guys are crazy, I love it.

Because of the abundance of wisdom found in this thread, I'll now have an initial question for any mom approaching me about "talking to their kid".

"Em có chồng hay bạn trai chưa?"

If the answer is "yes", I'll politely decline. If the answer is "no", I'll scan with my eyes a few times and ponder my options.